Who says newspapers print only bad news?

Now I have a scientific explanation for why I am the most "mentally healthy" person you will ever meet. And I am particularly proud to have foreseen this medical discovery fifteen years ago. Coffee was making me smart even then.

Next up on our nation's research agenda: the crucial coffee/beer synergy for the ultimate in mental and physical health.

And a sign that my higher reasoning and priority-setting powers are still intact will be my likely absence from this space for the next several days. I need to finish -- what is that term, again? -- oh, yes, an actual "article."